


The Boat is About to Sink

by DearEvanHansen



Category: Dear Evan Hansen, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Actually no promises, Angst, Anything can happen - Freeform, Characters from other musicals, Connor Lives, Connor is still here, Connor/Evan - Freeform, Did I just spoil something, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M, Multi, Probably OC, Recreational Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, TELL ME YOU DON'T LIKE GABE FROM NEXT TO NORMAL, The Zoe Murphy/Alana Beck/Jared Kleinman Should be interesting, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS IF YOU DONT LIKE OTHER MUSICALS?, but not like a crossover, comment if i should continue, connor is depressed, dear evan hansen - Freeform, evan is depressed, first fic, idk how to tag, idk if i will do it tho, maybe? - Freeform, no one dies, or rose from dog fight, or veronica form heathers, semi slow burn on relationships that aren't Connor and Evan, so cute
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-10-24 08:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10737975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearEvanHansen/pseuds/DearEvanHansen
Summary: Everything Evan said was true. He and Connor were friends, but that wasn't enough for Evan.  He still fantasized about not being so invisible, and comfortable with it.  He didn't want more though; he loved having a friend.  He just wanted to be enough, and in his mind, that was being normal.  All he wanted was to stop being a burden on everyone he cared about, and he planned to do just that until...





	1. Dark Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that writing shows something deep in an author, whether or not they mean to do it. In my writing, I put down some of my deepest thoughts. I won't put up a facade and say that it's ALL fiction, because it's not. I'm showing a part of me that is very real in my writing — thoughts that I would really have/ do have. By giving this glimpse into my mind, I hope to make others feel less alone in their thoughts and inspire others to write or do whatever helps them get out what they are feeling and encourage others to do the same.

Evan was going to do it this time. He was going to stop being a coward and just do it. How hard could it be, downing a few pills for the well-being of everyone he loved? He was sick of waiting just another day for everything to get better when clearly nothing was getting better at all, and it wasn't going to, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. He was sick of hurting and causing others the trouble of even bothering with him. But Evan was selfish, he was scared of dying. He was curious about what tomorrow might bring, and he never wanted to give up his time with Connor. So Evan stayed for as long as he did, which was far too long in his opinion. He needed to stop thinking of himself and start thinking of others for once.  
His mother could use the extra money of not having him around, sure she would be upset, but she would get over it because Evan wasn't really something to be dwelled on.

Evan kept thinking as he trudged along the broken stone path that leads to a willow that he found a few years back that he liked to climb. The massive willow overlooked a beautiful pond full of lush green plants and peaceful wildlife. Evan liked coming here, as far as he knew only himself and Connor knew of this place.

Evan thought about Connor as he climbed the rough tree. How would he react? Miss him? He knew he would, but how much? Connor could get over a scrawny nobody like Evan, no matter how close they were.

Evan knew he was the only one Connor really talked to even in their rather quaint friend group, if you could even call it that. Jared was friends with Evan for his car insurance, so he sat by him at lunch and talked to him. Jared liked talking to Alana so Alana would sit by them. Connor just liked Evan, so he was there too irritably there, but there.

Evan decided that he needed to talk to Connor one last time. He isn't going to mention anything because Connor would just look at him with those big brown eyes, and give him the vulnerable look he always gave when he was scared; the look that only Evan knew and Evan was not going to be talked out of this.

Evan's feet took him the familiar path to the Murphy's house. He sneaked around to the back and climbed the old oak that had a branch that leads perfectly to Connor's room. He climbed in through the window landing with a small thud, 4 years and he still hadn't gotten the landing down. He looked around the room to see a sickly pale Connor on the floor with his limbs stuck out in weird angles clutching an empty pill bottle with a note next to him, a note addressed to him.

"NO!" Evan screamed out, his voice raspy.

He ran over to Connor to check his pulse. Very faint but still there. Still something.

"HELP, SOMEONE PLEASE!" He sobbed fumbling with his off-brand phone.

"N-NO NO NO, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP! HELP ME PLEASE, HE'S HURT PLEASE!" Evan begged.

Mrs. Murphy barged into the room and gasped at the sight of her son, letting out her own scream-sob. Evan was heaving and hiccuping with tears flowing down his face when he finally managed to dial the right numbers.

"Hello, what's your emergency?" Someone with a kind but alert voice answered.

"M-my friend h-he's hurt. H-he um h-he tried to take p-pills. He's hurt, PLEASE SEND HELP." He barely sobbed out.

Mrs. Mruphy took the phone from him just as he went into full panic mode tuning everything out. He felt like he was being suffocated trapped in his own body everything seemed too loud he just wanted to escape.

Evan was clutching Connor's letter when the paramedics arrived. Connor was still barely breathing, and when Evan asked if he was gonna be okay, they just stayed silent and took Connor away. Evan was left with a crying Cynthia and his own cruel thoughts as Connor was rushed to a hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow ok I promise it won't be this dark in future chapters... Do you guys want me to continue? Maybe I can do Connor's POV? If you liked it leave kudos that'll let me know you want me to continue and any comments would be great.


	2. I'm Not The Only One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read ALL bottom notes!

Evan was in the midst of a mental breakdown. He couldn't seem to breathe right, his palms sweaty, heart and mind going a mile a minute. Everything is too loud for him every creak of a chair, the noise of Cynthia Murphy's panic, even his own cries. Everything is too close to him, despite him feeling like he is a million miles away from reality. Evan is excellent at hiding his mild panic after years of practice. Sure if you spoke to him, he would seem like a stuttery anxious freak, but from the outside, he just looked like a shy small nobody. Not today though he couldn't hide the obvious shaking of a full blown panic attack no matter how hard he tried.

He feels so incredibly selfish for panicking when a friend needs him, scratch that, his best friend. Despite him trying not to feel it, he also feels angry, angry that Connor couldn't see how much Evan needed him. Angry that he had planned to leave Evan... But wasn't Evan going to do the same thing to him?

Evan couldn't think about this now, he couldn't think of anything; he needs to talk to Cynthia and ignore the horrors of today. He stuffs Connor's note into his pocket; he's not going to read it right now, it's a suicide note, only to be read once Connor passes, or in Connor's presence once he was awake.

"Who are you?" Mrs Murphy asks Evan. Connor had always wanted to keep Evan away from his family life, so he never met Cynthia or Larry, and he only spoke to Zoe in brief bits at school. He debated whether or not it would be a good idea to tell her.

Once he settled that he needed to see Connor if he ever was ok, he decides that he has to tell her.

"I-I'm Evan Hansen. Me a-and C-Connor have been friends f-for a few years." He managed to stutter out. Cynthia nodded solemnly.

"Zoe did say that Connor had a friend at school, I just never thought it was real." She spoke her reply almost distracted. "I called Larry and Zoe, they are headed to the hospital. Would you like a ride? I'm sure Connor will want to see you."

Evan thought about his answer, could he really accept? If it was for Connor, yes.

"That would be great if you don't mind." Evan spoke clearly to his surprise. He just needed to help Connor, that was all he could think.

"Not at all. I'm Cynthia by the way." She says before leading him to the car.

Evan climbs in shotgun and pulls out his phone, typing an email he never intends to send.

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**So this is what it has come to? I know how you feel, and honestly, I was mad at you at first. Mad that you would leave me in this awful world, mad that maybe you don't love me as much as I love you.**

Evan paused. Does he love Connor? He thinks he does, but did it matter? Connor was going to leave Evan which must mean he didn't feel the same. But Evan sure as hell loved Connor and he was going to do the same just a few hours ago. Was it a few hours ago? It suddenly felt like it was years ago. Evan didn't want to kill himself anymore. He couldn't do that to Connor, not right now. No matter how much he hates himself, and others hate him. After determining he did love Connor, he continued the letter.

 **But I'm not mad anymore. You were in pain, and I wasn't enough, and no matter how hard that is to admit, it's true. I was going to do the same thing to you until I realised how hard it is to be on the other end which is where I'm at right now and it hurts so much and I can't do that to you. Hopefully one day I can tell you how much I love you but until then I need you to get better.**  
**Sincerely,**  
**Me.**

Evan finished the letter just as Cynthia pulled into the hospital lot. The two of them both walk swiftly inside to the front desk, Evan just falling behind a bit on the cracked grey pavement.

"Hi, I'm here for my son, Connor Murphy." Cynthia said urgently. The brunette nurse in far too of dark scrubs to help Evan's mood right now, taps something into her computer.

"Mr. Murphy is still being operated on, but he is in room 305 in the West Wing 43rd floor up. You are asked to wait in the lobby nearest the room which is the 'You and Me' lobby." The nurse said distracted by the phone ringing. (Hehe the room is a little joke for old DEH fans)

Evan and Cynthia rush to the lobby where they meet up with Zoe and Larry. Cynthia had already explained everything to them, so Evan didn't have to. Evan looks around the brightly coloured lobby and stiff, uncomfortable hospital chairs and chooses a small corner to sit in as not to bother any of the Murphys.

After some time of sitting, twiddling his thumbs, and trying to distract himself with boring pamphlets and phone games; Zoe comes over to sit next to him.

"Hey." She says.

"O-oh h-hi Zoe." Evan mumbles.

"I just wanted to thank you for saving my brother. It means a lot to know someone was there for him despite everything."

"Oh, it's not a p-problem. He's a-always been there for me. H-how are you handling e-everything?" Evan whispered trying to fight off the pain in his chest caused by anxiety. He used to like Zoe a year or so back, but Connor was very persistent on keeping Evan away from his home life, and Evan respected that.

"Honestly? I'm sad but not as sad as I should be. I'm mainly just angry that he continues to take over my life. Things used to be good when we were kids, ya know? He's just a monster sometimes, and I know I can't pin that on him, it's my dad's fault for always putting him down and never getting him help. My mum is to blame for never standing up to him and — Oh god! I shouldn't be unloading this on you. How are you handling this, I know you guys are like bros or gay for each other or whatever." She gave a playful nudge at the end which Evan unwillingly flinched at slightly.

"Oh uh I'm fin—" Evan's lie was cut off.

"Parents of Connor Murphy?" A stony voice said. Evan, Zoe, and Mr & Mrs Murpy stand up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I was wondering if I should do suicide watch for Connor? I'm already writing the next chapter because I'm so excited to see where this story goes myself! Idk how often I'll upload but I'll try to often. Would you guys want longer chapters MAYBE less often or like 500 word chapters more often. Idk if it will come to that but it's good to know if it does. I promise the next chapter is less in Evan's head. I seriously was shocked by the feedback I got on the last chapter, I seriously get the widest grin when you take the time to comment so that's really nice! Kudos and Comments are appreciated :) ty guys so much!


	3. In The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Childhood memories, fluff, and waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please read end notes <3

"Connor!" Evan's much younger voice squealed.

"Evan! I'm here!" Connor yelled back in an almost mocking tone. Connor ran forward and tackled the shorter boy to the ground.

Evan hadn't yet reached his growth spurt yet at 13. Normally he would have panicked at the touch, but never with Connor because he loved Connor. As his only friend of course... Or so he thought at the time. Despite knowing his feelings were deeper, Evan always pushed his feelings down and denied them, for he was not going to scare Connor away. Who would want to hang out with an overly-attached freak like Evan if they knew what a mess he really is?

"Evan?" Connor mewled shocked by the fact that the giggles had ceased from his best friend. They had only known each other for about 3 months, but Evan was attached. Maybe too attached but that hadn't stopped him from doing anything with Connor before, and it sure as heck wasn't going to stop him now.

Evan gave a grin and yelled,

"Follow me!" The young boy gave another fit of giggles and took off to nowhere in particular, Connor quickly followed.

They ran through the thick forest loving being surrounded by trees and no one else and leaving behind their cares. Evan ran into a beautiful small clearing that looked like it had been marked by a broken stone path, but it looked far too natural to be marked by anything other than nature.

They both stopped at the clearing, standing in awe of the beauty Evan's mouth formed a wide grin, and he started climbing the massive willow in front of them wanting to see what the glistening pond in front of them looked like from the top of the willow. Connor followed in tow not wanting to miss a second of the adventure. The boys climbed down tired from their exploring, and they settled into a nook on a branch down low that sat them both perfectly. They sat in comfortable silence taking everything in until the sun started to go down.

"Hey, Con?" Evan asked lazily.

"Hm?" Connor hummed back.

"We need to go back before it gets dark. Uh n-not that I-I'm not having a nice time, 'cause I am I just think that it's getting dark you know? Uh, maybe we could watch a movie or something? I mean you don't have to if you don't want to I just thought maybe you would?" Connor chuckled at Evan's rambling.

"Of course I'll watch a movie with you I have snacks in my bag at your place."

Connor always brought Evan sweets, he knew that Evan couldn't always afford it, and damn it, Connor loved it when Evan smiled he'd do damn near anything to make that happen.

The boys ended up racing home and watching a movie that Evan couldn't remember, but it was perfect.

Evan came back to from the memory leg tapping on the floor, he was never really a fan of doctors, even when he was a child, the doctor meant a spot where they would ask about his father, a spot of pokes and pricks. No matter what the outcome, they would act like the worst thing in the world happened; never really leading on whether or not he or his loved ones were safe.

The tired voice of the nurse started talking in a dark way that scares Evan.

"You guys are Connor Murphy's family?" The doctor asked, no emotion in her voice. Larry Murphy went to correct her on Evan being just a friend, but he's cut off by a kick from Zoe, and

Cynthia saying a swift,

"Yes."

The nurse gives a suspicious look but doesn't say anything.

"He will be okay, he is still asleep, and he will be a little groggy when he wakes up but no long term damage. We had to pump his stomach so stay away from alcohol for a week or so. You guys can go in now if you want but if he requests anyone to leave, they must go and if he gets too stressed we will limit the visitor number to 2. Do you have any questions? Anything serious can be answered by his main doctor, Dr Cunningham."

Cynthia let out a gasp of relief, and everyone nods their head, except Evan, who just shyly keeps his head down. Evan starts to get nervous, what if Connor is mad at him? What if Connor hates him now? Doubts start swirling in his head, too fast for any reasonable person to understand but for Evan, it just overwhelms him because he understands everything.

Evan is pulled by a soft hand, and he snaps back to reality. Zoe is pulling him to Connor's room.

When they enter Connor is laying still in scratchy hospital clothes and breathing softly. Although he is still sickly pale, he looks better than before, not so... haunted. Evan took a seat in a chair next to Connor's bed, and Cynthia sat across from him, looking rather exhausted; while Zoe and Larry stand at the foot of the bed.

"Well, I think Zoe and I will go get some snacks, do either of you guys want anything?" Larry asks.

"Anything is fine for me. How about you, Evan?" Cynthia asks rather quietly.

"O-oh no y-you guys don't need to w-worry about me, I'm good." Evan started bouncing his leg again, nervous for Connor's sake.

"Nonsense, you saved my son's life, buying you a meal from the hospital is the least we can do." Cynthia upbraided.

"A-anything is ok, I'm not picky." Evan said wiping his palms on his trousers, and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Cynthia gives a warm smile as Zoe and Larry leave the room.

"I'm going to go tho the restroom and go for a walk. I'll probably be a half hour. Will you be okay? If he wakes up, you can text me or just take a few minutes to talk to him." Cynthia walks out leaving a nervous Evan and an unconscious Connor alone.

Evan sits next to Connor feeling like a widowed lover or the ghost of Connor himself.

He looks at Connor's hand wanting to grab it, but what if Connor wakes up and doesn't like it?

Evan decides that if it could help he would do it. He gently laces his fingers through Connor's. After a minute or so Connor's heart monitor starts going wild, the beats getting faster and faster. Evan almost panics, but then Connor's eyes flutter open with a groan.

"Evan? Ugh, where am I? I'm not in some fucking mental ward am I?" Connor asks groping the IV in his arm. Evan bats his hand away and says,

"No, you're not, you're just in the hospital. You'll be on suicide watch for 48 hours, but then you can go home."

Connor gives a slight nod and rolls his eyes lying back and gazing intently at their linked hands. Evan tries to pull away mentally scolding himself for not letting go sooner, but Connor just grips his hand tighter.

"They took off my fucking nail polish? Fucking cunts! What is a bit of nail polish gonna do to me? Pretty me to death?  
Is there any food around here? I'm famished." Connor rants missing his black nails. Evan slides him a bowl of mashed oats that was left for Connor.

"Ew, is this it? I know I tried to kill myself, but it's not like I'm going to try and suffocate myself in some fucking pizza."

Evan was trying not to flinch at Connor's outburst.

"Just eat it, I'll bring you something better tonight." Evan whispered so no one passing by the room could hear. Connor gave a slight hum and downed the bowl of oats, satisfied by the promises of delicious food later.

"I found you, you know." Evan quietly mumbled after a bit of silence.

"Evan, please don't, not right now. They are pumping something into me that's making me fall asleep. I'm sorry." Connor said, his eyes getting heavy.

"I know it's just... In the end, there's only you, and in the end, there's only me..." Evan lost track of what he was trying to say.

"In my perfect ending, there is only you and me." Connor whispered.

That's how the boys fall asleep, with a smile on their lips and hands still tangled with each others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to start off by saying YOUR COMMENTS LITERALLY MAKE MY DAY so if you could take the time to comment it would mean the world to me I’m not exaggerating. Now that that’s out of the way I wanna say Connor will NOT be sugar and spice and everything nice, but I figured Evan and him needed a few nice moments; so this OOC might last like 2ish chapters. For those of you wondering, Ive been using the Spring Awakening Musical soundtrack to inspire me as well as a Broadway/ Musical playlist. Tysm for reading and Kudos and Comments mean so much!


	4. Pizza and Broken Rules

Evan shoves the takeout box of pizza into his backpack and makes his way back across the street to the hospital. It was about 5 pm now, and Connor would be waking up soon, so most of the nurses would be on break. Which made this ideal timing for Evan to give the food to his friend.

He jogs across the crosswalk and makes his way to the entrance hoping his face doesn't scream guilt. He takes the lift up to Connor's room and trips slightly. The Murphy's had long since gone home for supper, searching for a bit of routine, but Evan couldn't do that to Connor. He plans to wait out the 48 hours with him because Evan knows what it feels like to be alone and he doesn't want that for Connor, not right now, not ever. And anyways they have a lot to talk about because Evan realised he didn't save his note to vent out his feelings to Connor, he accidentally sent it.

Evan went over and over in his head on how he would explain the note to Connor. But wouldn't Connor understand? Out of anyone Connor would be the one to understand, because Connor felt alone too. Maybe Evan really is alone though, that's what he knew for a long time, that's what he felt.

Evan walks into room 305, not even bothering to knock. Connor is sat in the corner with his hair tied up and glasses on playing solitaire. Evan can't help but think he looks cute as he walks over to the small round table and sits on the chair across from Connor.

"I'm surprised they gave me playing cards. Who knows I could try and slit my wrists with them." Connor says rolling his eyes. Evan gives him a look.

"Look, I think we need to have that talk now. I-I mean if you're ok with that. It's just that I'm worried about you and, I mean you know I care about you right? I d-don't know what I'd do if you died. I shouldn't make this about me, I failed you." Evan says so fast he can barely understand it himself.

"Evan—" Connor starts.

"N-no I'm sorry I just... I care about you ok?"

"I know. I'm sorry I made that joke. I wasn't thinking when I... Well you know. I realised that I don't want to leave you, ever. I know that sounds lame and I'm still trying to figure out what it means I just don't want to be without you and that's all I'm sure of these days. I know tomorrow might not be a good day, or this won't be a good week, or a good year, but everything seems like it'll be so much worse if you aren't there. God, I sound so fucking emo, but it's true. I don't know what it means yet, but I want to find out so please forgive me for what I did."

Evan's jaw drops. Connor freaking Murphy just said he wants to figure out his feelings for him.

"I was never mad at you. There is nothing to forgive, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Neither am I." Connor responds smile adorning his face.

"Do you wanna play war?" Evan asks shuffling the cards.

"Sure. I swear to god if you cheat I'll get you. The nurses gave me my phone back so I should probably go check it." Connor says starting to get up.

"No!" Evan grabs Connor's arm in a panic. "Uh, I-I got something for you." Evan pulls out the takeaway box of pizza from his backpack, and Connor breaks out in a grin.  
  
"Just cheese?" Connor peaks into the box.

"Yep! Just how we like it." Evan says popping the 'p.'

"Medium pizza, extra cheese, light on the sauce, two sweet teas." They both say in unison, laughing at the end.

"Wait—" Evan cuts Connor off by pulling two sweet teas out of his backpack. Connor gives a lopsided smile cocking his head to the side and takes the bottle.

"Hurry up and eat it. I'm not sure when the nurses are coming back, and I won't be allowed to stay if they know I'm breaking the rules." Connor rolled his eyes.

"You'd think after skipping school with me so many times and sneaking into abandoned orchards; you'd be less scared of breaking the rules." Connor takes a mouthful of the pizza while kicking his feet up on the small table. One of the halves of the deck falls onto the floor, and Evan quickly moves to scoop it up.

"Wanna get playing?" Evan asks. They always like to do something idly when they have their more serious talks. So Evan is looking at this as an opportunity to actually talk to Connor hoping he won't check his phone so this won't be turned on Evan.

"Deal me." Connor says grabbing half the deck from Evan. They are half way through their individual halves when Evan starts talking, picking at his nails.

"Are you uh, doing ok now?" Both of them feel completely uncomfortable, and Connor can't bite back the regret.

"Yeah. I'm sorry... I just didn't know what to do. Zoe and I had a fight, and she'd be better off if I weren't here, and my parents always wanted me to be like her which I never will be because I'm so fucked up. And you, you're just so pure I ruin that, and I don't deserve you." Connor breaks down shaking and sobbing, having his own type of panic attack. He continues to cry while walking over to the bed with Evan.

"You don't ruin me. I need you; I actually need you to survive. To function." Evan strokes his hair while laying next to him on the bed. Connor just lets out a muffled sob, burying his head into the pillow.

"Evan, I'm sorry. I really should have talked to you. I was just scared... I still am. I didn't mean to go all emo on you." He sniffs his nose and chuckles wiping it with the sleeve of his zip-up.

"Hey, it's ok. I'm here for you, always."

"Oh, I have to check my phone now. Completely forgot, my parents are probably worried sick." Evan tries to stop him but panics and starts thinking of how he can explain himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey tysm for the feedback! Let me know if you have any questions or requests or if you just wanna chat. Kudos and comments always appreciated I only proofread this once so please forgive me for any mistakes.


	5. Memories and talks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk.

Evan remembers his 15th birthday, Connor had just turned 16, and he was going to take Evan to an unknown place, and they were going to ditch together. They were on their way when Connor's car started making noises they pulled over into a law firm parking lot and looked down to see that Connor had a flat tire. Evan kind of freaked out because they were gonna get caught, and this was going to be on his permanent record, and that would ruin his college, and his mum would freak out and be so disappointed in him. But Connor calmed him down, the Murphys owned land a few blocks away, and Evan and Connor walked there talking.

When they got to the plot of land, Evan couldn't believe his eyes at how beautiful it was a small stream cutting through the land and trees, so many trees. Evan was in heaven.

"I called a friend of mine, and he can give us a ride to where we are going and have my tire fixed in time." Connor said as they walked over the overgrown land. Evan smiled at him, picking at the grass. Evan wanted to stay here he didn't want to meet Connor's dealer even though Connor hadn't said, he had guessed.

When Connor's friend finally got there, Evan was lost in his own world. The man has a rusty old car with red paint chipping at the edges. Connor and his friend talk for about 5 minutes before Connor beckons Evan over.

"This is Squip, he's pretty chill."

Squip was indeed 'pretty chill, but that didn't mean it wasn't a stoned chill.

After they got to the orchard Squip was on his way to fix Connor's tire.

They walked into the orchard as per usual but when they got to the large tree that usually hosted their hangouts, something was different, there was a large tree-house that looked professionally built. As if it were a house and a rope swing attached to the tree hanging over the pond-marshy area that the boys typically swam in.

Evan looked at Connor dumbfounded, and Connor just had a smug smile on his face.

"Happy birthday! I uh suppose you want an explanation? Well uh my parent's friends, the Harrisons actually own the orchard? So uh I spoke to them, the mom loves me, and I asked if I was allowed to go here and build here and she gave me full permission as long as I don't wreck the land. So I spoke to my parents, and they agreed to fund any of my 'secret projects' provided that they were legal, as long as I don't come to any meals high and don't get high before or during school. With meeting you, I had already decided to smoke less, so it was a no brainer."

Evan just stood there shocked, astounded that someone would do something so nice for him, and wondering how he could ever repay Connor.

"I-I umm I don't know what to say... It's the best thing I've ever had? Especially the legality part haha. Thank you so much."

Connor rolled his eyes and tugged Evan saying that he didn't need to thank him, explaining it was kind of a selfish gift anyway.

They spent the rest of the night in the lavish tree-house, having one of their first serious talks.

To this day Evan doesn't quite remember what it was about he just remembers the acute feeling and how it made his stomach churn.

That is how Evan feels right now as Connor checks his phone, his breathing picks, up hands start to sweat, and he taps his leg nervously.

Connor looks up from his phone, shocked.

"You um, you love me?"

Evan blushed, "Kinda."

"Wait, but you know uh, what I did, it wasn't your fault. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ALMOST DID THE SAME?!" Connor's whirlwind of emotions all came at once.

Evan broke down sobbing "I k-know, I just didn't know where I belonged, and I felt so alone and desperate I didn't know what it was like to be on this end. I didn't know what being not just broken, but shattered felt like until yesterday."

They both cried, and they didn't stop as they spoke.

"I can't live without you, and I want us to agree right now that if either of us feels like that again, we will tell the other, okay?" Connor was shaking as he spoke.

"Okay."

Everything was too loud again but muffled as if Evan was underwater; he didn't realize he was shaking and dry heaving until it was too late.

He hears Connor nearly yelling but not loud enough to alert anyone but all Evan can do is shake. Everything had been too close of a call. Connor's death, his own... Too close... Too close the room the was too close. Connor, too close, his dark mind, too close. Too close, breath one, two, three, four, No air was getting a satisfying breath to his lungs. Can't breathe, walls too close. Don't forget to breathe, idiot. Too close... YOU'RE NOT BREATHING. Breathe, two, three, four. No more orchard, five, six, seven, eight. No more orchard, too close.

He was rocking back and forth now. Breathe. A successful breath in, tears on his face. Too close... Another good breath. Connor, crying with him. One, two, three, four, another breath. He stops rocking. A breath, it's been a half hour. A breath, Connor has given up. A breath, he's stopped sobbing. A breath Connor looks up. A breath, the panic is gone. A breath, Connor is hugging him.

Evan starts breathing normally, and Connor shushes him as he tries to apologize, claiming it's been an eventful few days and he has every right to panic. Connor doesn't mention though how scared and useless he just felt not being able to help Evan.

They fall asleep holding each other, but just before Evan drifts off he realizes, he never got an answer on how Connor felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are nice. I probably won't update for awhile bc college apps. This is also unedited and I'm not sorry about it.


	6. OH MY GOD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OK GUYS IMPORTANT

Guys ok so here's my little deal with you all... If you're in America, call congress and tell them to support net neutrality if you're not in America tell everyone you know from there/ post about net neutrality! If I get only five comments on this chapter of people willing to support net neutrality then I'll go out of my way to have a chapter up by Friday at 8pm est! Also if you comment where you'll be posting and your handle I'll go like and repost all of them! Thank you so so much ily all! Please!!!


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